Enliven
by PageKarasu
Summary: With nothing to lose and time stretched by, Heero frees his feelings.


Disclaimer: I don't own the GW boys.

Pairing: 1+2

Rating: PG

Warnings: Yaoi, thoughts of suicide, slight OOC

Description: With nothing to lose and time stretched by, Heero frees his feelings.

Notes: Was a scribbled idea I found at the bottom of my backpack. It's not a deathfic, even if that impression is given.

Enliven

_I never felt the same as I did with you, Duo. You were right. No one came close to the way you made me feel with just a look. Even with just a look, every cell came to reach out to you and it was times like that - that my body moved of its own will. Your will. Remember the Neon12 mission? We were cornered in a room, tension was high and stealth was imperative for our escape. When you leaned in, your cheek against mine - wisps of your adrenaline blown hair falling into my eyes, you whispered in a hot breath of a lone soldier monitoring the door outside the hall. My body acted without my consent when I dragged you to the floor then. My eyes searched only yours, wide swirling violet filling up my view instead of our parameters. My hand sat lax beneath the gun I should have had a firm grip on and my right hand grabbed at you and pushed you as far into me as I could. My mouth pressed clumsily against yours as I inhaled you. Your lips were so soft and you smelled like fire. My biggest weakness in that war was you._

_You seemed to bring the elements with you wherever you went. Memories come unbidden to me when the wind blows and a woman's long hair - the color not quite yours, takes off at the wind's request. I think of your braid propelling against the gusts of that oncoming storm, offering you escape as you straddled the window in contemplation after my blunder on the Neon12 mission. The blaze in your eyes as you stood near the fireplace and every word you reprimanded me with beckoned the flames to dance to accentuate your point. I remember your smell of fire bringing with it the memory of your lips. I remember you slamming the front door and me scaling down the second story to stop you before you got enough determination in your step to have you sprinting._

_The brief tussle on the dirt after I caught you reminding me of a decimated playground you showed me on a mission in L-2. I watched the rain fall against your pained face, dripping off those fiery lips as you yelled at me some more. You were so passionate. Remember? That I compromised the mission… it was no time for attraction and distractions. I was acting impulsively and how you weren't going to stand for it, not with the war so close to its end. I laugh now to think how that should have been my line but then I never said a word. You let me kiss you once more before you stormed off, giving the heavy rainfall a run for its money._

_After I'd found you and influenced you with my desire, once I knew I had you, I took advantage of you. I treated you badly. Neglected you. Offended you. I was afraid, Duo. I didn't think past my physical attraction to you. When I realized it had always been more than that, I was crazed. The day I told you that you were right that we should have never let it go on, I felt crippled and though it was partially because you had taken a good swing to my gut, the hurt and resentment in your face and the heavy stomp of your boots down the hall were more than enough to keep me buckled on the floor._

_I've successfully sabotaged every attempted relationship brought on after you walked away. They didn't have the same curve of your jaw when they grinned. They didn't have a rope of hair I could grab on to when I got the urge to feel close to another human being. They never had the same candor that would win me over and turn to admiration and awe… I only felt blatant annoyance. You never came back after the wars. My hope turned to bitterness and I didn't handle it very well._

_The weight on me never felt as crushingly heavy as it did when you turned on your heel that day and never came back. The terror was only worse the day after. It was worse than any anticipation in the war. Any swirling sickness due to torture couldn't compare to the way I was forced to drag myself through life without you. Duo, if I was ever regretful of anything in my life, it was that you ever came into it._

_What am I supposed to do now? The finality of being here at this place, ill to find you weren't treated like the hero you are despite your wishes. I was told by the town barkeep that this was your unmarked grave. I remembered you said it would be too. Unmarked unlike you were in life. I remembered every little way you ever existed._

Even now Heero's knees dug into the moist dirt as he punctuated every word of his last sentence in a low murmur. Even now he wanted to be with Duo. Reading the words aloud didn't ease his pain as he'd hoped it would. Talking in a place where the wind carried his words away so Duo couldn't hear. No chatty banter back that he'd impractically expected from the headstone made his knuckles white. He stared at the grave marker for a long moment.

"I'm just crazy enough to dig, Duo." Heero said, the wind almost reaching in his mouth to claim the words. "Something is telling me it's not true. You won't be there."

Heero stood, gravity pulling down on him. His face felt as if it'd drooped in surrender to reality. His bones felt creaky and stiff as he contemplated really getting the shovel he'd thrown in the bed of his pick-up. He would be with Duo soon. No one's heart could stand this kind of pressure. Heero had heavy thoughts, switchblade feeling solid in his hand.

"Dig, then join you?" He whispered to himself.

Soft pressed footsteps, light on the unnaturally green grass and a voice humming soft and deep from behind him jarred him into a protective hunch over his letter. He slowly uncurled as the voice fought the wind to reach his ears.

"You should trust your gut Heero. Its complete sacrilege to kill yourself, remember I told you that once and if you even think of getting that sorry excuse of a shovel to desecrate my future grave… long overdue make-up sex will not be had."

It was just like he'd expressed in the letter. Heero's limbs were swift, three near hops and he was reaching out to Duo pulling him into his arms, the only thing keeping them from being one was the physical impossibility of it. Heero was shaking and grasping at Duo like a life source, his hands touching every part he could, kissing every part he could in reverence and apology.

"We can fix it." Duo smiled acceptingly, knowingly.


End file.
